VALLEY. DESERT. WILDERNESS.

there are spaces in the human journey that are stinging & solemn & sacred.

they are full of angst and anger and ache.

they are overflowing with suffering. undoing. just surviving.

these spaces are valley. desert. wilderness.

in the valley we feel trapped.
in the desert we feel exhausted.
in the wilderness we feel lost.

sometimes… you’re in all three.

if you haven’t had the terrifying privilege of journeying through these strange and foreign wild places, you will soon enough. these places are sacred because they are the part of the human experience where a veil is cut open & we so often most deeply and profoundly experience Divine encounters with shalom.

and yet… they are the places of doubt, and of wandering, and of feeling lost, and of the deep, deep starless night of the soul.

this is the mystery.

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I have a lot of questions lately. the valley & desert & wilderness are full of them, after all. and I’m beginning more and more to realize that this is simply the way of things. that questions are part of the fabric of life, and that by ignoring them or running from them is the way that we run from and ignore life.

and we don’t run from life. we can’t.

we chase after it.

I’ll be holding space & treading deeper into the wild country that is this discussion in the next few blog posts… but for now, hear this:

your questions are valid.
they are good.
they matter.
they are worthwhile to ask.

sit with your questions. look at them, be calm, and hold conference with them. allow them to be, to exist, to stare quietly back at you… until you find your answer. then, and only then, release them.

I can’t wait to chat about the valley… how to know if you’re in one, and how to flourish until you reach the mountaintop ❤

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seasons of building

*GIANT SIGH*

pull up a chair, friend. pull up a chair, and grab that cup of coffee. yeah, the mugs are in the cabinet beside the sink. there you go. coffee is in the corner… yeah, there you go. cream and sugar beside it. oh hell, grab the whole pot and bring it over- you’ll want a refill; we’ll be here a while. because there’s some crazy kind of changing going on over here.

have you ever had a season where the foundations of the things you’ve built start to crack and crumble, and doors that you thought to be wide open get slammed right in your face as you try to walk through them… leaving you startled and a little bit stung? have you ever had to face the fact that the way you thought you were called to something, isn’t the way you’re supposed to live out that calling? it sucks, y’all.

and in the wake of all the doors being slammed and all the confusion and all the crazy-what-now? I’m forced to turn away and look out across this huge plane of possibility. Possibility where God says “okay, I’m leading you out into the wild, the rich and full unknown, into the places you didn’t think you were capable of going, the journeys you didn’t think you were capable of walking.” and I’m over here like “HUH? this makes no sense. what you called me to is over there, behind that door that my face just got smacked with.”

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no. no it isn’t.

here’s the thing- my calling is everywhere. it’s in every situation and person I meet, and it takes the shape of something different than I assumed (assuming things is dangerous when it comes to Jesus, y’all.)

because my calling is myself. let me explain. my calling is knit into who I am. it will always be there. I can’t lose it or misplace it among the other thousand things that catch my attention or wound me. I can’t forget it somewhere or somehow miss it. it’s right there, waiting to be utilized in the way I speak, the way I love, the way I reach out and respond. and so the way it looks is wherever I am and whoever I am now. the way it shows itself is how it needs to in each moment to be used and given to the world.

and so I am in this space of sweet, sweet commune with Jesus (and, let’s be real, some pretty intense impatience) where I get to say “so where am I? who am I? how does this look for me? how should this calling grow with me? how should I speak it and live it? how do I put this out into the world in a way that is who I am and who You are?”

and what’s better? the calling is all about rebuilding. it’s all about making new and making space for healing.
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and as I explore this new place inside me that Jesus is rebuilding and making new and healing… there are going to be changes all over the place. my career is becoming, just as I am. this blog will change, too, probably, and there will be wild and new things being breathed to life in my journey as I start to sit and meditate in this new space.

so that’s what I’m doing now, friends.

I’m sitting and breathing and waiting and writing and choosing to believe that my smallness is no issue for a BIG BIG GOD who is, Himself, Divine Love. I’m working and digging deeper into Scripture and finding mentors and asking ALL the questions. I’m letting myself be renewed even when it’s frustrating, and be rebuilt even when it’s hard. I’m making these great big strides and then pausing for a while to celebrate the progress and contemplate the future. I’m being gentle but honest with myself. I’m practicing ALL the self care because beginning again makes us humans fragile.

it’s going to be new and scary, and I need you all to get behind me and back me up and pray for me in all this change.
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and, if you feel so compelled, stop by for another cup of coffee ❤