it’s been a while since I showed my face here on the interwebs.
I’ve been off learning lessons and aching deeply and living joyously.
because life is really shitty sometimes, and God is really good always, and sometimes it’s really hard to understand how both can be true at the same time.
you know, like when the whole world is in uproar, and refugees are fleeing and the unborn are being murdered and people you love with your whole heart are being emotionally wounded in excruciating ways.
and you just sit on your bed and stare at the opposite wall and go “what the hell?”
and all the evidence points to the world falling to pieces, and that’s when your anxiety disorder and struggle with depression make total sense to you, and you wonder why everyone in the world isn’t on medication for it. like, how do people live their lives without being snapped in half by the reality of all of this?
and you mourn the loss of all the dreams that look like they’re never going to come to pass, and the child you were desperately hoping to start the adoption process for this winter, and the brokenness all around you, engulfing you.
and you clench your fists into your eyes to stop the crying and just have to go “why the fuck is this happening, God?”
and you mourn, and you seek the word and find that you are blessed.
that you are, in some supernatural way, comforted.
blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted… matthew 5:4
and you ache for it.
and finally the tears are done falling, and you’re just kind of empty… and the corpses of all the heartaches are just littering your heart like some strange grave yard.
and that’s when it’s time to finally let the dead things go.
autumn is always the time when I fight this until I finally find peace.
I’m fighting it now, friends.
I don’t want to let them go. for some reason I find it to be my good penance to hold the deadness in. I think it’s my lot in life to carry the heavy corpses. but they don’t need to be carried… they need to be buried.
I’m still learning this. I know it, but sometimes I don’t feel it. I don’t really have all the answers except to say that I know my Redeemer lives, and at the last, He will stand upon the earth. (Job 19:25)
that’s what I’m holding out for. that’s why I’m letting the dead things go, slow and difficult though it may be.
and, oh, sweet friend… it’s a lovely, lovely thing.