guys, there’s something you need to know before I launch the full Untidy Grace brand tomorrow.
it’s REALLY really important because the whole purpose of this blog is to use my voice, be super transparent, and speak my truth. like Stephanie Moors reminded me earlier this week… this blog, my heart through what I speak out on here, is my offering to the world. I want it to be a good, good offering, even when it’s hard, and because of that, I’m going to share something really hard with you today.
like, so so scared.
there’s something terribly intimate about living an authentic life, fashioning a place of raw community, and building on a new foundation… even more so when it’s not just all in public, but it’s what you’re staking your future and your career on.
and I’m scared about a lot of things.
I’m scared that it won’t matter. that I will put these pieces of myself out into the world, and they’ll turn up empty. it doesn’t matter that I know that’s untrue- it still scares me.
I’m scared that the ones who support me will be few and far between. even though the massive response to my most intense posts, like this one, was overwhelmingly with me and for me and for change and newness, it still scares me, because I’m human.
but most of all, I’m scared that I won’t be seen at all. that what I have to say will fade into the wall of noise that surrounds our social media, and my voice will be small and lost in the fray. and as I feel some of my old fears and lies creeping back up, I’m scared that I’m not worth listening to, and that my truth isn’t worth sharing. I’m afraid to speak and have the response be silence.
and that’s why I have to speak.
because if I don’t speak, eventually I will have nothing to say?
because if I stifle my voice now, how can I summon the strength in the future?
because if I allow fear to win this battle, without so much as a fight, what would keep it from winning the war?
because if I don’t use my voice when I’m terrified, how will I learn to use it when I am courageous?
because if I don’t make the hard sacrifices now, how can I ever make them?
that’s why you need to know that I’m scared.
that’s why you need to know that I’m scared while I’m still scared, instead of next week or tomorrow or when I’ve become a success (whatever that’s supposed to mean). you need to know that there’s someone who will actually do the hard thing beside you instead of just telling you that you should do it.
and most of all because I need to know I can do it. I need to keep showing up, keep proving it’s worth it, keep looking the lies in the face and telling them they’re wrong.
because if I don’t say anything, what will I ever have to say?
so yes. I’m terrified.
and I’m doing it anyway.
and now you know.