how to write a memoir //or, how to be broken

I started writing a memoir.

you see, I have a rather unexpected story. one that few people know in-depth and none could possibly know in entirety. I am a pastor’s daughter- a pastor’s daughter who has struggled furiously with anxiety, who once was terribly depressed, who in high school would self-harm, who rebelled in ugly ways, who has done things she has bitterly regretted.

and in the name of “setting an example” and “being a good Christian”, they were things I often suffered through or dealt with alone. My, how the Bride of Christ often suffers friendly fire; how often do we shoot our wounded in the name of truth and integrity, when really it shouts of pride and fear?

the hard-ness of writing this story, this painful collection of provocative mercies in my soul-ugliness, had left me rough and tired in my heart- an ache unique to remembrance. my soul was heavy with my unworthiness and my insides hurt. but tonight, in the drizzly, wet dark, after two days of this writing, I pulled into the last open parking space at the front of our apartment building. I pulled the key half way out of the ignition and paused for a moment; it was then that the song drifted out from the car speakers…

your grace is enough
your grace is enough
your grace is enough for me

over and over and over again, under the curtain of sliding raindrops on car glass, the refrain continued
rainy car
your grace is enough
your grace is enough
your grace is enough for me

and soon, there I was, tears sliding down my face like the drops of rain on the windows. I sat still until the next song hit me again with its’ truth-packed chorus.

you alone have done great things
I can’t boast of anything
mighty one and king of kings
Jesus

so I suppose I will just end by saying that self-nothingness in the face of God-everythingness is the brightest and most glorious thing to experience.
and this memoir of grace will be nothing short of a tribute to it.

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